Half Full

All you have to do is contemplate a simple grain of sand, and you will see in it all the marvels of creation. Listen to your heart. It knows all things, because it came from the Soul of the World, and it will one day return there

The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

My Prayer

I speak to you of Friendship
I speak to you from the heart
I speak to you in silence
about what keeps the stars apart.

I speak to you of good times
I speak from a distant land
I speak to you in comfort
as I still take your hand.

I speak to you of our smiles
I speak to you of cheer
I am still around you
Though I may not be near.

I speak to you in prayer
and look up at the sky
And then I feel the moonlight
and its going to make me cry.

Hyderabad Blues

I've always been a subscriber to the theory that says that the more things change - the more they really are the same.

So once again in my life , I find my self at the bottom of a ladder - trying to take life one rung at a time.

But I still go to the Cafe on Campus each weekend ..and order exactly the same thing.

When I sit down and eat my Veggie Club Sandwich - for the nth time - in n days ....bearing a comfort food tag..

I have these crazy blurry visions .. of doing the same thing week after week , year after year ....whether it was at Shettys in Bombay,Steamers in Gainesville, Doc Ches in Atlanta or Thai Wok in Delhi.

Patterns. The truth is that behind every changing surface lies an unchanging pattern.

The Seasons may change 4 times a year - but they still change only 4 times a year - not 8 ..not 10...Change they do and Change they must. But in the interim ..

When our lives and dreams are under the influence of torrential rains ..and the skies weep for us - its hard to look beyond the tears that cloud our vision and see that its bound to get better.

That in a few months - it will be sunny and that even too much of sun can be a bad thing.

The simple things are the hardest to remember nowadays.

That its bound to get worse before it gets any better.

That the only way out of a situation is forward.

That even one step a day - is a big deal.

Knowing that it will easier one year from now - doesn't make it any less difficult for now.

I think I can safely classify change in my life into two broad categories.

One is the kind of change that comes with no price tag , no choice and no warning. That's the kind of change that comes into your life as a direct result of someone Else's decision.It hits you like a ton of bricks and the only sane thing to do is to not resist - sway with the winds of change, cut your losses and run.

The other kind of change is the one that you bring about. They say that the hardest thing about an internal change is making up ones mind. But nonetheless - after your mind is made up and you've dealt with a logistics and build up bit- the actually act of change makes you feel like you've died a little on the inside. Knowing that you actually wanted to do this and worked so hard at making it happen - should make it a cakewalk shouldn't it ? ..

So if its soo difficult - why change. Change - to keep the pattern constant.

Decide what needs to be the constant underlying pattern in your life and hold on to it with every ounce of energy that you have - But in order to keep it constant - everything else has to change.

A long time ago - I read a book that said Change was like rebirth. That any change..even the one that we have eagerly waited for has its gut wrenching moments.

Because when we change what we leave behind is a life and we must die to one life before we can enter another.

So I keep walking - a little slower for a while...but I put one foot ahead of the next - look up at the skies and pray.

God I hope I choose well.

Desperately Seeking Coffee

Exactly one month ago - just about this time of the day - I would walk into my office in Atlanta and log on to the world wide web.
I'd check all my work emails - make a list of action items and then say climb on top of my desk and say Hi to Elizabeth.
Then I would walk over - exactly 15 steps to the coffee machine.
This machine and I had a special relationship. No one knew how to work it like me.
I would brew a steaming pot of coffee - and would go back to my desk and get started on work and my first cuppa.

Every once in a while - someone else would make some - and miraculously ..like hope floating over the inert air - the coffee would find its way into my life and I'd succumb and get some more.

They say that behind every successful man is a woman.
I guess a corollary to that would be - that behind every productive Kaumudi is a cup of coffee.
Starbucks,Seattle's Best, Caribou, Dunkin, Cafe Coffee Day, Barista- I love you all. Equally, Equivocally and Exhaustively.
Whether it was cafe amour at Intermezzo, Moccha Latte at Apres Diem or a Black coffee at a waffle house - coffee brought immense perspective and clarity into my life.

Mocchachino,Frappuchino,Espresso - Shakespeare said "whats in a name- A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"

Peppermint Mochas in Winters and Raspberry Lattes in Summer.
Coffee became one of the few things in my life - that was bitter ..but still sweet.

Present Day in Hyderabad - I still haven't managed to find a good way to satisfy my coffee cravings.
I walk around campus all day between classes - and there are these mini Nescafe Vending machines that you can put a 5 rupee coin into and they brew you this impersonal cup that has more cream than caffeine.
There is something strangely lonely and depressing about having a machine make my coffee.
Its like paying 5 bucks to have a conversation with someone.
But the harder part has been finding 5 Rupee coins -- and trying to get over the fact that the coffee cup is more like a shot glass and less like a cup.

They say that Good Conversation is like a cup of coffee - Its as stimulating and hard to sleep after.
Last Night after a long time - I had both.
Until the next time - I will hold on to my coffee cravings and wait in patience - Desperately Seeking Coffee.

Doorie

Doorie - Sahi Jaye Naaa

I've learnt :

I've learnt that just because everything looks and feels different - doesnt mean that everything has changed.

I've learnt that drinking a cup of coffee can be the high point of a long day.

I've leant that friends just dont happen - it takes a lot of hard work on the parts of some like minded people to become friends.

I've learnt that its easy to make friends but far harder to keep them.

I've leant that it is possible to feel alone in a crowd of 400 people.

I've learnt that there lies great comfort in looking at the skies.

I've learnt that the hardest questions are infact the seemingly simple ones ..like ..who am I ?
Where am I going ? What do I like?

I've learnt that at the end of the day I am a jeans and T shirt person.

I've learnt that just because I may be knocked down every once in a while doesnt mean that I will be knocked out.

I've learnt that love is like a flame - distance can either extinguish it or draw a raging inferno out of it.

I've leant that Joss Stone makes perfect sense on a hot summer night where the air is ripe with anxiety and hope.

I've learnt that there is beauty in breakdown.

NR- NS

As Human beings - we are always told that we need to listen.
But more often that not - we spend so much time listening to the voices of the world that we dont listen to what our own inner voice has to say.
I struggle this week - to maintain clarity,perspective and tolerance.
I struggle this week - to hold on to what is important to me.
I struggle this week - to have an open mind.
I struggle this week - to remember to forget.
I struggle this week - to forget to remember.
I struggle this week - to keep my mind still.

Its said that the greatest strength lies in knowing what one can change, accepting what one cannot and in being able to know the difference between the two.
Its never made more sense to me than right here - right now.

Last night - I was looking at the clear skies in Hyderabad - much like Santiago did before he had the dream.
I learnt to identify ursula major.
Ironically - this is one constellation that looks like a question mark.
Seven stars - one for each day of the week.
This week maybe?

I once a read that the beauty of living lies in not knowing .. that as soon as we know - we begin to die a little.
And so I hold on - in my confusion, in my restlessness and in my not knowing.

Chasing Cars

There are some decisions that you make just once in life time. The kind of choices that you have waged battles about - only in your mind. And then one day - You have to act on those thoughts.
Yesterday -in conversation about my recent life changes - a friend showed me the pale green tiled floor in a restaurant and said - that it was like I was standing on one tile and I had jumped to another - all inside my mind ..what then ?
How could I stop my mind from jumping back to the first one.

There are times when I know the answers to the most basic questions. Clearly not today - not one of these days.
Its said that every once in a lifetime - you make a decision - purely on your instinct.
One that is deemed heroic if things work out ..and labelled insane if they don't.
I've made mine.
I lived it for every day of the three weeks I was packing.
But I didn't realise how precarious my inner balance was till I stepped out onto a mad hustling north Bombay street yesterday afternoon to get some thumbs up back home and I had to quite literally walk on a wooden plank over a "under construction" road to get to the store.

Inside my mind - I had been walking a tightrope for a much longer time.

The reality is that -
It is hard to let go.
It is even harder to be the one that is gone.
But the hardest - most exhausting thing of all - is to be the one left behind.
And it is possible to be all three at the same time.

So I choose which tile I want to stand on.
The earth has been moving around in circles for eons - so its only fair that I can do the same until I find my sun.
One year - 365 days.
Every day - a short story with a happy ending. It has to be that way.
How I spend my days - is going to be how I spend my life.
I hope I choose well.