Perky the Duck

On bitter cold nights in north Georgia - as I sit at my desk wrapping up work , saying good night to the night guard who is not at all surprised to see me there and drive home listening to the radio - I have to remind myself that I am not alone , wrestling with choices, options, decisions, indecisions and listening to the voices inside my head until everything is a big blur.

Days when I feel less like my age and more like my shoe size.

Then I come home and just when I've made my mind up about the day - I read something utterly random and seamlessly inspiring that my own battles seem far ordinary and far away.

Today I read about Perky.

If I thought I had a rough last week - clearly I was mistaken.

Last week on a day when much was normal - Perky, dark brown Canadian duck was walking outside her house in Florida when she was shot, dragged by a dog, hung on a rack with other dead ducks and then stuck inside a refrigerator.

But Perky decided that she wasnt giving up. Not even when she was in pain, cold, dark and all alone. Perky held on for 2 whole days - then when someone opened the fridge, she gathered every ounce of her strength and stuck her proud head out.

They say that Perky was Lucky. I think Perky had a choice- to give up or hold on.Even when there was no end in sight. And Perky decided that she had had enough with the ways of the world. She was going to play by her own rules and that meant sticking it out when the going was tough.She was going to be found by the same person who shot her down and her guts were going to inspire him to turn her over to safety.

Or maybe it is true that luck is a funny thing ..that the harder we work ..the more of it we find. And what decides whether we are worthy of the lesson or the experience is days like today - when we feel the exhaustion in our bones and the despair in our minds ..but we find something that tells us to look beyond the haze and the madness and to hold on.

So between you and me. Hold on. For one more day.

Happy Feet

I watched the most brilliant sunset of 2006 late last fall, all by myself.
It was the most magnificient fiery display of orange, purple and blue. And I could not help but wonder ..how did I end up here ?
So just how did I make the trip from being a nervous 16 year old on the first day of college, full of hope, enthusiasm, excitement and trust to being in control of my cautiously optimistic current life.
Did I really go through disappointment, heartache, heart break on the way here. Did I really experience happiness, completeness and companionship. And how much of that adds up to the 30 additional pounds I now seem to carry ?
And did I go through all of the above - to be here, all alone, watching the pools of gold and blue flood my eyes with an emotion that felt so good that it hurt.

I knew in my heart then what it all meant. I was here because every single door that had closed on me had somehow laid the trail. I was here because every single window I had peeked out of had somehow showed me the way. I was here because all the goods, the bads and the inbetweens had prepared me for it.

No more test runs. Something tells me that this year will be the real take it or live without it thing.

And if I have learnt one thing from the years of practice at the nets - is that there is no point in conserving anything.
Its better to arrive at the end of a race utterly spent, exhausted, weak in the knees and not having a ounce of energy to spare wondering what the heck was it that hit you.

So I'm going to try - to enjoy the uncertainty, the madness, the ups and the downs, the fleeting dreams, the lonely pangs, bad hair days et all.

Sleep socks and the occasional pedicures notwithstanding - This year ..more than any other year, I plan to have Happy Feet.

Waltz

Take my hand and lead the way
Spin me around the anxious today
Build the pace for a spirited dance
And thrill me with the joy of chance

Catch me when I lose my balance
And twirl me out of nonchalance
I may step on your feet from time to time
and the words to our song may not always rhyme

But I'll smile at you as the beats grow apart
In tandem with my pounding heart
There may be a lot on the line
And I may be tired and two steps behind

But have no doubts I'll catch up with you
This slow waltz was made for two

Gawah

Witness.

This is why people have friends, This is why people fall in love, This is why people get married, This is why people write emails and letters, This is why authors burn the midnight oil typing manuscripts , this is why artists anguish over acrylic and pastels .This is why people write blogs.

Beacuse our biggest fear is not that we will be caught for our actions and inactions. That we will be criticized or will be hungry or in despair.That we will be singled out for wanting something different or being someone different.Because in the grand summary ...Our deepest fear is that our lives and those micro cosmic moments will go unnoticed.That we will live in oblivion, without any track or record...and no one will know the beauty or agony of our heartsongs.

I heard a story once on Discovery. A story about two elephants. There was a zoo not too far from here where one elephant was the star attraction. People came from all over the state to meet her. To pet her and cheer her and photograph her.

One day the zoo authorities decided they had a budget overflow and bought another elephant.

The trainer was worried when the new elephant arrived that the old star elephant may not deal very well with this new visitor who would soon share the love.

He left her in adjacent room to the old elephant that first night seperated by a wall.

In the morning - a strange sight greeted the cleaners. Overnight the elephants had broken the wall apart and stood right next to each other trunk in trunk and were inseperable from that day.

It was later learnt that neither elephant had seen another elephant for 13 years prior to that incident.

That is how we live , this is how we spend the years we are just passing through.
Eternally hopeful and hesitantly optimistic.

We wander aimlessly looking for a witness to our sometimes exciting and sometimes boring , sometimes exasperating and some times moving life.

And when we find that witness- we hold on for dear life.

And no matter what happens in the future - good or bad , thick and thin they are our lobster.

So it has been written in the hands of those who are moved by our faith and listen to our prayers with gentle patience..who are familiar with the unreasonability behind our reasons and the frown at our impatience with our own limits and resilience.

I am your witness and you are mine.

And regardless of what happens tomorrows - U have me at the other end of the phone , aisle, country or wall.

May U live one thousand years and I less a day - that I may never know the world without U.

Spiderman no more

Shaher ki is daud me daud ke karna kya hai?
Jab yehi jeena hai dosto to phir marna kya hai? LRM

So its no surprise that I believe in signs.
No ..not the kind of signs that aliens send to earthlings in the form of weird shaped raindrops or shooting stars..not in traffic signs either ..but the kind of signs that manifest themselves in the form of the cute guy in the elevator whose the purple tie matches with the exact same shade of my favorite lipstick ..which means ..we are soulmates from a bygone era and are meant to spend 3 years of smiling politely at each other everyday between GL and the 4th floor before we realise that we were meant to buy a lab and take him for a ride in our mini van which is also incidently the same shade of purple..anyways ..

So as the sun set on a very stressful and active 2006, I sat at my desk that last day of the year ..when my calender said 0 weeks and wrote a 3 page synopsis titled "Auld Lang Syne" on the year that was beautiful and life changing...after I spell checked it and proof read it, I got up to grab a cup of coffee and when I came back ..my laptop crashed.
It just crashed on me. No safe mode - no reboot - Nada. So while I got coffee and enjoyed the sunset - Crashed with a years worth of blog friendly memories and pictures.

Aukaat dikha di types.

So I had no option but to sit out the rest of 2006 and give the year its due respect and let it just pass without much adieu. To bow down and relinquish control and just try to focus on getting the worst over with.

Life - comes around full circle.

2007 is here.
Already.

Just when I was feeling happy about surviving the holidays and not having nightmares of waking up with red and green stripes on my tongue - I ran into the dreaded pink and white hearts in Barnes and Noble...already ?!! ..I mean ..seriously ..no seriously.
I say lets all paint our nails black in protest.I am scared that they will pass a new law that prevents single people from wearing anything remotely south of lilac for a month before and after february 16th ..or wait ..was it 14th ..am I even supposed to know this ? ..afterall isnt this priviledged information..lol!

Next..

I think that I am my own super hero.
Sometimes when I am up against a mountain - it does take a heros worth of gut minus the glory to overcome my own personal demons.. When I battle constantly with ideas ,ideologies and my million conflicting voicee ..and then one day I wake up and realise that sometimes in life even though it takes an extraordinary effort -I am infact just as ordinary as I was afraid to be and maybe it didnt have to be that hard.
And then again - just as I start getting used to the idea for not being s distant relation of spiderman ..the next battle comes and finds me..
I think thats why all the superheros wear costumes ...because they are afraid that if they dont - everyone around them including themselves will only focus on the ordinary and not the hero in them...and remind them of what they cant do ..instead of helping them see beyond the reachable..

As random as this post is - it does need an ending ..so here it is.

Welcome to 2007.
Week 2 down already.

What will Double O Seven Bring ?!!!

I think 007 is going to be like a classic bond movie..
A Full Moneys worth of Drama,Magic,Passion,Excitement,Love,Action and what not!

So Fasten those seats belts y'all ..cause something tells me that regardless of how you like your martinis ..this is going to be one heck of a ride !