Picture ,Pallette ,Blue and Grey

I spent the entire day today painting .
Two canvases , Paint , Brushes and 24 hours to spare .
One Van Gogh and One Dominguez .

..As I dabbed my way through another starry night ..I wondered ..given a choice to be in the painting ..where would I be ..would I be in the room with Vincent himself ..watching the sky explode into blues and yellows ..or would I be in the church with the tall grey steeples ..would there be bells tolling as the skies lit up in a starry kaliedoscope ..or would I be at the base of the tall brown cypress thankful for being on terra ferma in a midst of a celestial shower ..or maybe I would be on the purple hills ..strolling in silence thankful for the kind skies ..
But in all odds if the cards are dealt as they have always been for me .. I would be in one of the dimly lit houses ..on a night much like this one ..writing something ..trying once again to capture the essence of the weighted moment.

And so I end my day with this thought ..I live in the real world most of the time and look at life in the eye ..but does that make things any less painful to deal with ? ..would I rather believe things for the sake of beleiving them sometimes even if it meant an existence far less extraordinary and devoid of the madness that my current one has ..
Would I ?

..and if I did that ..would the starry night be just another painting for me ..than a part of my life that I cling to with reckless abandon when anything chaotic comes along ..like a castaway tugging onto that last oar ..because it represents one mans rise above the mediocre and menial in a time far darker and challenging than mine and his vision of beauty from the eyes of his mind when all he could see was murky.

I guess I would not trade that for all the sanity in the world.

George Bernard Shaw once said that without art the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable.

Lets keep it real for now.

25 Minutes

So whats the most inspiring thing you can do in the middle of a 70 hour work week ?!
Drive through mad hour traffic to watch Umrao Jaan..

Let me tell you ..I just cant digest these things anymore ..She wept and cried ..and shed thousands of tears ..and wept some more again ...and the tissue boxes kept passing around...

If I had 25 Minutes with Umrao Jaan - this is what I would tell her ..
Mano e Mano ..

1. Wake up. Someone very smart said that sabki life mein dard ka standard size hota hai ..fark hota hai to jeene ke style mein .
Crying never helps .

2. Do you really think thats kismat nsaeeb fate destiny and whatever else you may call it bring happiness or sadness to your life ? ..pls ..lets think through this again ..Its the middle of the week ..surly you can find something to smile about before Friday gets here ..

3. Love ..is overrated . There . I just said it and it wasnt even a whisper.
Loud and Clear . Stop Cryingg dammit . There are thousands of people in the world who fall in love and arent able to be with the ones they love . And theres a thousand more ..who lose the ones they love ...and millions who never find love
What you need is not Abby's baby ..what you need is PERSPECTIVE .

4. You cant raise you hand and say .."Ab mujhe Tanha Rehne Do " ..because people will do precisiely that ..and I dont trust you to be alone in a room by yourself ..
Van Gogh was saner at Saint Remy when he cut through his ears ..

5.You need to find a new expression for "anguish" "pain" "seperation"
..How about a nice big smile ..

6. STop whining crying complaining cribbing lamenting berating ...i've even run out of words ..

7. everyone has problems . Deal with it .

8. Read a book ....but knowing you umrao ..you will pick a freaking danielle steele where the innocent doe eyed princess falls into a wordly trap and cries over the next 200 pages ..

9. You ahve really pretty clothes . I really wish you wouldnt cry all over them .

10. I really wish you had gotten to see 20th century women ..some of them have even been to space ..come on ..thats should make you wipe at least 2 litres of tears away ..

Seriously - I came home from the movie ..and I'm high ..like stoned high ..numb and feeling like I will never feel any pain ever again ..and I've worked for 3 hours straight since .Didnt even need the coffee .. I was soo happy ..to be free ..to breathe ..smile ..laugh ..drink some water ..(crying dehydrates ..even watching it does) ..

I think this is where my late 20's cynicsm seeps in ..just dont have the patience for you Umrao ..Life is waiting ..Cant sit with you for 3 hours crying over like everything ..gotta get up ..walk around ..do some stuff ..make some noise ..give a little pride ..go to bed ..get up and kick some a** all over again .

Good Night Umrao. Rest in Peace.

Weekling

The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas ,obscure poor reasoning and inhibit clarity.
Calvin to Hobbes


Theres weeks when I feel like I'm on top of my game ...and then theres weeks , when I wake up when my alarm goes off at 6.30 am ..already feeling tired ..wishing for the day to be over.

But I wake up .And I drive to work ..watch the sun rise patiently. I brew at least 4 pots of coffee before I see a flaming blue and yellow orange canvas in the evenings .

I walk out during lunch when its soo cold , feel the punishing grey wind and I'm just happy to come back to work ironically.

Sometimes my nerves are soo shot - I have to count to 10 ..take a walk in my own office and browse the internet for vacations that will never happen , clothes I will never buy , book I will never read ..until I read news I will thankfully never make ..and realise the foolishness and selfishness of my hackneyed self consumed thinking . Then I chide myself and go back to work ..

Then when I leave to come back home at night - I notice the most random things ..my mind and body are like robots at this point , I notice how pretty the cars on the intestate look , I notice the leaves stuck in the wipers ..the people in the cars next to me ..and everything that is completely unnecessary but still a vital part of the day ..

Late at night - I log back in and work some more ..and update my blog in breaks .

But regardless of how tired I feel , these are the weeks that define me ..that are so lean ..zero body fat weeks I call them . When I realise the value and worth of everything ,everyone ..when I feel like I am being tested ..when I feel hopeful ..like I am waiting ..not for happiness ..because the bar just got raised ..that at the end of days like today ..in the few fleeting hours before I turn off the lights and hear another buzzing 6.30 alarm ..nothing but euphoria will do ..

Zindaggi Rocks

So I got a Happy Birthday Card from Guess Who ?!!!

-Had totally forgotten that maine bhi kuch vaade kiya hain types .


Life comes back full circle.


Zaherien Fazale Rabbi - Tu Rehmat hai Zindagi !

KWK

Peppermint Mocha is finally here - for a short time only ..just like a passing dream and the fleeting year.Try it today..kya pata ..Kal Ho na Ho !

KWK .

If our paths ever cross in the waning fall
and love does find us afterall
I'll buy you some coffee and share a smile
Gaze into your eyes just for a while
The ticking clock will be our special song
To warm our hearts all year along.
I'll hope that somewhere in the middle of our laughter
You'll hold my hand just moments after
And we'll talk a walk ..just you and me
While leaves serenade us silently
Silently

Fierce Friday

Taste the Thunder

The thing about life is that you get a surprise when you least expect it and hear something that you;ve never imagined possible ..ever.
This week I learned from an unnamed resource that in a few years time ..there may be no such thing as a Thumbs up.
Change I think is an imminent and constant part of life ..but not having Thumbs up ..is like not having a childhood...a beginning ..an ending or an in between .

I love to taste the thunder..

Every weekend -I buy a crate of Thumbs up. There may be no milk in my fridge .no socks in my drawers ..or no love in my life ....but Thumbs up ...I've always thought I will have.
People may eat oatmeal or peanut butter jelly sandwiches as comfort food .. swallow some aspirin or sip quaint cups of green tea to take the edge off ...but me ..every night I pop open an icy cold bottle of Thumbs up .And Kick Back.

Thumbs up.

I told a friend that I always imagined a commercial for Thumbs up.

A single , single minded independent ....occasionally lonely ..but always hopeful woman ..working a passionate 70 hour work week ...drives home ..through the year ..the hot summer ,torrential rains ,freezing hails and falling leaves ..She lies in bed .. ..miles and miles away from home ...tired ..with that feeling in her bones ...in the dark and drinks a cold cold bottle of Thumbs up ..and then she turns and looks outside a window ..and sees a crowded street in a northern bombay suburb ..finds method in all the madness ..and when she puts the bottle down ..the moments gone ..but the feeling has lingered and she smiles and shakes her curly mop of hair.

My friend smiled back and said that they would have to change the branding for Thumbs up .This was too benign ..whatever happened to the dirtroads and raw action.

But thats what changes too with the changing times of our lives.
Sometimes its our silence and not our screaming that defines us .Its not any brutal - force field like kick ass charlies angel act ..Its the quiet knowledge that in the next few hours ..the sun will arise again and bring with it a few more hours of strength and immense possibility .

And meanwhile in the calm before the storm ..all we can try to do ..is take a moment and a deep breath and Taste the Thunder.

Stuck in a Moment

When Frost wrote about the road less travelled - is this what he was talking about ?

When we are old and grey and look at the years gone by - will we think of days like this when we felt so young and alive and that everything was possible and within reach ?

Will we recall the laughter and the happiness ?



That everything is brighter and hopeful in the sunshine ?



That happiness has a color and it is all yellow






That our life was marked with great changes and a river runs through it ?




Or thoughts that kept us occupied ?



Will we stand as tall as the trees that grow besides our years ?



Or have that special spring in our steps ?





Will we think of the kind skies that watched over us ?



or the moonlight that blinded us ?




Will the dancing leaves still fill us with wonder ?




Will we know who is two steps behind us ?















We can measure our lives by the days , the weeks , the months and years even.
We can try and remember to forget ..and be awed when we realise that we've forgotten how much we do infact remember.But the worth of everything that is worth the mettle in our worlds is always measured in moments .

Moments.

I once read a book where there was a joke that the perfect autumn day occurs more frequently in ones memory than in reality .This weekend was the exception in my life to this rule.

Thank God I have enough.

Default or Design

I 've always thought that there are two kinds of people in the world - ones who have a choice in every situation , about careers , love , friends , lifestyle choices .Choices that they create or ones that arise from decisions that others make.
Fortunately for me - I'm not one of those people.
I fall into category 2. Exhibit B involves people that fate conspires for or against . Mercilesly , faithfully and relentlessly.

For a long time I resisted - not knowing what I was up against . I used to think that I chose my loves , my friends , my battles .
In 2002 - something strange happened to me. In the middle of what I can unarguably say was the hardest and most difficult year of my life - the lights suddenly went on and I had a feeling of immense deja vu. I remember the day , the colors and exactly how that moment felt . I was reading the Alchemist in my brandywine apartment -early november, hoping for a divine intervention in a year when much was murky.

Deja Vu. Been there - Done that. I realised that the same battle had picked me over and over again in my life . Now the slate was different , the players were different , if it wasnt chess it was a fence fight ..but the same things were at stake , the same fears , the same problem - new place , new people , same battle.
And I had the realization that no matter where I went - until I learnt to beat it , it would keep choosing me .

and so my years are marked -whether it is with friendship or with love - I will not have a choice .When I come face to face with it - I will have no option but to follow ..and if there is an option - then either the option or the love will not be real.

With each passing day , more so this year than in any other I know deep in my heart that while I may not always have a choice or clue about where I am going or what I want to do - the one choice I will always have is to know who I am, to know how I affect lives around me , to choose well and be responsible for that one choice.
And no matter what the years hold in store - by default or design ..that one choice , will always be my own.