Lifeboat

Its been a gruelling week at work.

A fence fight of strange sorts.

I leave the office late at night and then face my own demons.

And let me tell you, they are quite an interesting bunch. Handpicked. And now they pick at me.

Its hard to get through days like today.

But on days like today, its easy to be the real me.

Half tired, Half wired.

With that strange feeling in my bones. That reeks of introspection, frustration, gumption and inspiration.

I find myself thinking about strange things. About nameless strangers that were and are a part of my life - the receptionist at the gym, the sandwich lady in the Hewitt Cafeteria at Summit, my landlady in River, the security guard at work who is often the first and last person I greet. I promise myself to smile at them and ask them their names. And I wonder about how their day was.

I find myself flicking through numerous TV channels, wondering if my life and my experiences are as disjoint as their mad cacophony.

Last night as I lay in bed, my mind rife with thoughts I remembered something that I'd heard a long time ago - and found myself sitting up in bed, because it made so much sense to me. It came back to me when I needed to hear it.

I found myself suddenly opening the window and looking out at the moon and shaking my head in half acceptance half reverence and feeling overwhelmed.

I once read that our life is like a boat.

If we didnt take it out to sea...it would gather moss.

Once we were out in the water, things could be rough or things could be calm.

But we should always remember that our life was like a boat. And recognize that with the boat, the engine would sink alone, the rudder would sink alone, but then again ..somehow everything - once bound together ..floated.

Similarly - our life would definately have its sink worthy moments - many of them. That would be heavy and would weight us down.

But put together, in some strange cosmic way ...everything would somehow stay afloat.

God knows how, I pray that it does.

Amen.

The Great Divide

Last evening as I caught up with a close friend, I found myself saying "Its the complete opposite of me" .. That statement is a conundrum.

What does that mean anyways ? ..and whats a complete opposite ? as opposed to an incomplete opposite ?

I remember vaugely in school - when a class grade was on the basis of knowing "complete" opposites - a match the columns - that would make or break your test scores.

It was so simple wasn't it. If you werent "Fat" ..you just had to be "Thin"

Is that why I spent so many years focusing on the "Black" and the "White" ... Grey certainly did not feature on any of those tests as something that could have an opposite...

Things have become far more complicated in my own mind and life anywhichways while growing up .. or should i say while growing old ?

I've realised over the years that there is no such thing as an opposite. Leave alone a "complete" opposite.

Complete is not the opposite of Incomplete

Whole is not the opposite of Broken

Life is not the opposite of Death

Peace is not the opposite of War

Love is not the opposite of Hate

Living is not the opposite of Dying

Not Alone is not the opposite of Alone

Young is not the opposite of Old

Happy is not the opposite of Sad

Laughter is not the opposite of Tears

Strong is not the opposite of Weak

Brave is not the opposite of Afraid

Friend is not the opposite of Enemy

These contradictions bind me, deride me and define me.

And its in these grey areas and contradictions that I am not incomplete. Grudgingly so. But not incomplete.

What I've learnt from IPL 2009

What I've learnt from IPL 2009

• I've learnt that strategic breaks make all the difference. It's good to take some time out in the thick of things to just ponder over the way ahead. It can turn things on their head.
• I've learnt that at times we cant avoid getting rained out. Somethings are just not in our control.
• I've learnt that cheerleaders are only as good as the team they cheer for.
• I've learnt that depending on who you face, sometimes you play on the front foot and sometimes you play on the back foot
• I've learnt that when Life throws you a yorker - swingingly wildly really doesnt help
• I've learnt that no matter how slow the pitch, you have to just leep running between the wickets. It will matter in the end game
• I've learnt that there will be times when we will be out there, batting for things that matter to us and the asking rate from life will be so high that we just wont be able to match it. Keep playing anyways. We cant run. We cant hide. Just got to dig heels in and play. Like it matters
• I've learnt that when something important comes your way, you've gotta catch it with both hands
• I've learnt that no one remembers what you did last year. Its what you do right now that matters
• I've learnt that sometimes winning or losing is not in your control. What you can do is be a good player anyways
• I've learnt that teams talk in only one language and its called Teamwork. Where you come from doesnt matter as much as why you are here
• I've learnt that there is no such thing as powerplay. You've got to be consistent
• I've learnt that distance doesnt count. The people who love you will root for you regardless of how far away your battle is from them
• I've learnt that you cant enjoy winning unless you enjoy the game

Sunny Side Up

So its a bug's life.

The days are long, the weekends fleeting, the economy is in ruins, the world in a questionable place and sometimes, I dont like what anyone says to me. Including the weighing machine.

There are days when I question everything.

My personal life, my professional life, my health, my driving skills, my relationships, my attitude towards life - everything.

Everything is on the radar.

No answers. Only questions.

Nothing makes sense.

I am cooking and I realize that I feel like I am on the frying pan.

Like a spoon of oil - sizzling and restless,

and then a moment of clarity.

Omlettes.

The thing about making omlettes, is that you gotta break the egg before you make it.

No two ways about it.

So I remind myself, at times like these, that if I want to end this journey sunny side up - I cant be afraid of breaking.

Got to take a deep breath and Just do it.

Just do it Baby ! Just do it...

Raincheck

I believe in miracles.
There are days when I feel the presence of God.
I’ve never met a non friendly flower or a dog I didn’t like.
I can’t live without my friends. They’ve shrunk the world for me more than I’d imagine.
I read the back of every packaged food product and think that Diet Soda’s are a lie.
I believe that Life is too short – so I type faster, run harder and love deeper.
My favorite color is the color of moonlight and if I wore a sports jersey- I’d be a 4
I think Daisies are the happiest flowers.
There are days when I am so sad – I am all out of tears.
There are also times when I am scared to be as happy as I feel.
Luckily for me – the good days outnumber the bad days.
I grade my life on a curve and I believe that I am extremely fortunate.
I believe that with people I love, as the years have passed, not only have they changed, what has altered more is their ways of expressing their love. And so I try to be patient. It usually works.
I worry about the state of affairs in the world. I try to use less plastic, I always tell people when I like something about them, I say “Thank you” at every chance I get, I try to be as honest as I can, I do not smoke, I make resolutions that I stick to and I try to make strangers laugh . And I believe this has an impact on the world. No matter how minuscule. And I try to believe that it matters.
I love to talk to my plants, mostly because they just listen. I also believe that sharing silence is one of the most intense experiences I can have with someone. And it usually signifies that start of something special and long lasting.
The internet has changed my life but I miss reading letters and waiting for the postman.
I usually order the same thing when I go back to a restaurant and that’s when I know I like eating there. And lighting plays a very important role in deciding this.
I believe that having close friends is something that involves a lot of hard work and I find that if I go the distance - I am usually met halfway. It has always been worth it.
I believe that I have made a lot of mistakes. I am trying to not make some of them twice.
When I am alone, holding a cup of hot tea, I pretend that it’s a hug from a close friend and smile… and it always makes me feel better.
I believe that Reading is one of my special blessings and I try to do it as often as I can.
I believe that things happen for a reason. And knowing is better than not knowing every single time. And trying is better than wondering. And failing is better than not trying at all.
I have a code when it comes to relationships and I find it hard to breathe when that code gets violated. But I also believe that every close friendship that has stood the test of time, has been one that has defied and redefined the code.
I love to smile and laugh out loud and I love it when I do that when no ones watching. And If that happens at least once a week, then I believe that I have a good reason to shut up and not complain about anything.
I believe in Love. I believe in Magic. And I believe in the ability of those around me to excel at both.
These are strange and wonderful days.I find myself laughing for no reason, feeling hopeful about the future and at peace with the past.
And above all, I believe that if I were to count my blessings and start saying thank you’s to everyone who makes it possible for me to be the person I am and have the life that I do, I would run out of space and time.
Thank God I have enough.

Rock of Ages

Rock of Ages

I honestly and truly believe that one of the special things that make me blessed is that the years 1989-1996 were part of my teenage years. Are you kidding me ? They were everything.
Cable television brought my way some friends for life.
That was the Music Era ..every freaking week ..Aerosmith, GNR, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Def Leppard, Metallica, REM and a host of others released stellar album after stellar album.
Those days were pretty mundane. High School and College and the love of the routine.
Then came Big Ones and the nature of the game changed.
Hysteria, Pyromania, Appetite for Destruction, Big Ones became household names.
Skulls and Roses and rock signs were second to none.
In a once ordinary life, The music was no where even closing to ordinary.
The music was spectacular.
It made my heart pound.
It made my pulse race.
It made my head bang.
And the sign of an ultimate "Rock of ages" sorta experience is that it still does!
After all these years and after all this exposure and admitted appreciation of several other forms of music from Jazz to Classical to Trance to Country to HipHop ... deep down inside
I am a Rocker! ..A true blue Rockaholic...A rRockomaniac ..A Rockstar!
With leather boots, tattoos, a hundred silver rings, crazy big hair, never say die attitude... sticking my tongue out at the world.
So here is my unabashedly adoring list of songs which also have seriously awesome music videos which I love in an almost devotional sorta way.
These songs have had a profound impact on me and continue to over the years - some because of the lyrics, others because of the video, the rest because of the music ..and mostly because of the personal experiences that I now connect them with.

1. Guns'n' Roses : November Rain
Axl popping pills, the white church with the piano, The first drum beats (can u hear them !) The orchestra, the slow walk down that wedding aisle, the short saucy wedding dress, the sweet kiss,
, when Slash walks out of the church ..god ..(how sexy was that !)and his awesome guitaring, The Ariel view of him and the church and the guitar ...the rain at the reception ..everyone runs for cover ..the cake tumbles .... after the wine spills - Slash climbs onto the podium and the bad a#$ build up to the most amazing musical finale ever ! ..the funeral ..the line of limos..the tears ..the darkness ..after that..November Rain all over again. The bouquet toss .. landing on the grave..bleeding color still the music spans out..
I thought this was my song because I am a November Born
I wanted it to rain every November after I heard this song
And in 1996 - it did. And I cried and Died of Ecstasy.
"nothing lasts forever and we both know hearts can change"
"I know that you can learn to love me, when no ones left to blame"
"Nothing lasts forever - even Gold November Rain"
What an iconic song ! I really wanted to use my illusions after this one! This was a song that would took me on the emotional rollercoaster of a lifetime. Just when I thought it was happy - it was sad. Just when I thought it was a rock song - it was ballad like.
Axl Baby - Thank you !

2. Def Leppard - Pour some sugar
First of all - lets be clear on this.
Anyone who starts a song with "Love is like a Bomb" .and has a chorus that says "Pour some sugar on me!" ....will be idolized and sent to rock heaven on this blog atleast.
Authentic, Classic, Unbrindled rock! ..Half black and white and Half color - This video was like a live performance .. no shirts ..big hair ..sweat..laser lights and mad crowds high on a combination that I dont want to mention on this blog...
Joe Elliott. Rick Savage and Tony Kelling at their best ever !
"I'm hot ..sticking sweet ..from my head ...to my feet" ..
I so wanted the white sleeveless shirt the Joe wears in this song.. God alone knows how I hunted for it everywhere - including the Night Market in Bangkok 2 years ago...No luck so far..
When I was 18 - my favorite thing to do was open a bottle of thumbs up while listening to
"Take a Bottle - Shake it up" ..and thats what I remember everytime I drink something fizzy !
Days when I have no enthu left - I still do that.
Cold bottle of suds and Pour some sugar .. the ultimate energy booster...
Gotta LOve this one !

3. Aerosmith - Amazing
Hail all and bow to Joe Perry - God of guitar !!
To say that I was SHOCKED when I saw this video and song would be the understatement of this century. For a 16 year old who doesnt know what virtual reality is - This video shook me to the core.
It made my heart race and feel like I was doing something forbidden.
It still does. .. Steven Tyler does an all time prolific opening for a rock song song when he scroons "Kept the right ones out ..Let the wrong ones in ..Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins" .. and walks upto the screen..
Unforgettable ..in every way .. The adolescent kid ..on the complicated computer .. who air brushes his photo and hits a user interface button called "Acne neutralized" ... (Man! ..That was my wish too back then !) .. His messy room .. Access Denied .. The joy of a joystick ..wears kid gloves ..and enters "Cyber Space" ..he meets the hot chick ..goes for a ride and the bike ride that became everyones fantasy ..
I'll spare the rest of the symbolism's on this blog ..yeah ..high impact high visibility ....is this even possible ?! ..who cares ..Impossible ..is nothing !
"The one last shot at a permanent vacation
How high can you fly with broken wings
Lifes a journey not a destination
And you just cant tell just want tomorrow brings
You gotta learn to crawl before you learn to walk .."

NO KIDDING .. This song is like "The Alchemist" of the fabulous rock world
Intensely philosophical - Sharply impactful - Deeply resonating ---Its Amazing ... and I'm saying a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight ..

4. Meatloaf - "I would do anything for love"
Bat out of Hell and into this song and video ! ..
What a video ..like a movie .. soft and breathless .. harsh and fist thumping ....the choppers rolling their blades..the cars roaring their engines ..on the chase .. This scary looking disfigured man .. the cops pursue him as he flees on an impressive bike ....they are searching an old mansion in the torch light ..spider webs and chandeliers ..and from behind the wall ..a noise ...a roar ....he breaks down the wall and flees .. sees this girl in the forest and runs away leaving a pretty necklace ..the almost haunted mansion ..the beast by the fireplace ..and the girl being lifted up into the air on some crazy chair ..and she's singing all this time ..
With a chorus line that says "Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock and roll" .. whoever wrote this song was out of his mind in a brilliant way.
"Maybe I'm crazy ..Its crazy and its true
No one can save me now - no one can save me now but you"
"I would do anything for love - I'll be there till the final act"
A box of tissues and a round of applause.
It should be a mandatory watch for anyone who wants to direct a video.

5. Nirvana - Smells like Team Spirit
When Kurt Cobain died - I cried.
I always see him the way he is in this song inside my mind.
Dishevelled hair, plain t shirt .. Dusty Gym Room .. Cheerleaders jumping ..Crowd Fist Pumping.. The Janitor sweeping the floor ..he's also grooving to the music that he obviously digs .. the dreadlocks ..the sweat ..the mad crowd .. headbanging ..and the demolition of the sets.
The Blood rushing through everyones heads, the violence and the peace after.
"With the Lights out - its less dangerous
Here were are now - entertain us "
The ultimate rock song by one of the greatest rock bands of all times

6. Soul Asylum - Runaway Train
Its ridiculous how relevant this song is even today.
"There are one million youth lost on the streets of America" .
And more in other parts of the world. Hard Hitting video.
No rif raf. Straight to the point. Shows pics of missing people, their names and ages. Moving in a gut wrenching sort of way. Shows kids running away. From kidnappers - themselves - abusive parents ?! ..Ridiculous how harsh the world is ..
Hate the way the song ends with the little baby in the stroller being kidnapped in broad daylight ..made me sick back then and still does.
Its said that several kids shown in this video did end up being reunited with their parents - several others were also found dead. Life - is a runaway train for some.
In every country that this video was shown - the pictures were of local kids missing.
Similar results everwhere.
"I was a key that could use a little turning"
"So tired that I couldnt even sleep
So many secrets I couldnt even keep
One more promise I couldnt even keep"
This is one video I definitely cant get out of my head. Great song too !

7. Blind Melon - No rain
The happy wonderful tap dance intro by the little girl dressed like a bumble bee - the heartless crowd erupts in horrific laughter - she runs away - guitar starts strumming and gentle .. humming...her anger ..her tears ..her frustration ..make it so real. ..the group playing in a field of daisies against a deep blue sky .. the little girl befriends all these strangers in the street..until she meets bee people like her that accept her and she laughs and dances away !
Just when she was about to lose hope in the world ..she finds friends who accept her and love her
Awesome collage of colors and brilliants cinematography in this one

8. REM - Everybody Hurts
Black and White - the subtitled philosophy - the traffic jam - the cars .. like you are stuck on the highway of life ..Amazing treatment to this song .. soft lights ..and did I mention the subtitled explanation for whats happening in the song!
..The subtitles show what the people in different cars are thinking ..and its mind freaking blowing ..what a concept !!!! ..
what I re,member is the snapshot of the lady with "No one can see me" and the guy thinking "If I had a gun" ..and one more guy thinking "I;'ll talk when I want to"
If I were to capture all the thoughts that crossed my mind for every minute I waited in traffic - I bet it would help me understand myself better.
"Dont let yourself go - Everybody Cries ..and everybody Hurts .. sometimes.."
So many times when I'm stuck in traffic to date - I look around and see the people around me and wonder what they are thinking..are they happy ..sad .. reflective ..angry .. and its all because of this song that stuck in my head..
Side note mention : I ended up in traffic jams frequently thinking about this song ,,..miles away from Athens,GA the birthplace of this band. Life is a journey.

9. Duran Duran - Come Undone
This is my theme song when I am upset or having a very bad day.
It always gets me back into the swing. Helps me release my breath and pent up anger and come to terms with whatevers going on.
It tells me that its okay to have a bad day. Its okay to breakdown. Its okay to come undone.
And when you do come undone - you get a chance to realise who is next to you, helping you rebuild your life block by block..piece by piece.
Crazy video - Aquarium - Large sharks swimming behind...the couple who's survived a flood ..other ppl having a breakdown ...the girl who is in chains ..trying to escape them as she sinks further and further into water ..the bubbles as she sings ..
"Who do you need - Who do you love - When you come undone"
Yes - this song is a permanent feature in my life .. theme song material

10. U2 - Still havent found what I'm looking for
Black and White background - Bono walking slowing .. in a casino ....city lights ..bright lights ..love the random snapshots of street people ..simply lovely ....dig the part where they sing and play to the street crowd gathering ..
"I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled - these big city walls - only to be with you"
and still havent found what you're looking for ?
Yeah - this is the ultimate breakup song. Unfortunately. Lol!

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I could go on and on.
These songs and artists have been my companions in good times and in not so good times..and helped me weather change. My appreciation and understanding of them has only grown over the years and I feel fortunate for having enjoyed them.
They may be rock songs with big on dreams videos - but they are also deeply moving, intensly philosophical and relevant to growing up at any point in time.
Rock music gave meaning to my journey, helped me figure out my limits and shape my experiences inside my mind and enjoy my life.
And its good times in a good life when there is good music.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am 30 years old
And my city is Mumbai.
Thank God I have enough

Jargon

While preparing a presentation at work – I came across an article that listed some new entrants into the world of office jargon. The best ones follow:

D-PAD = Downloading Porn all day ..ROFL !
Dead Wood = An employee that doesn’t contribute to the organization
Deceptionist = A receptionist who deceives people by her good looks, cunning smile..lol!
Decruitment = A nice way to say “LAYOFF”
Deep Six = A military term that means dispose of
Deferred success = …. A project that will succeed ….later ..next quarter ?..Hahahhaha
Deja Moo = That feeling that you’ve heard that B.S before
Delagatorship = Business run buy someone who cant do anything himself
Desk Jockey = Someone who actually enjoys being at work
Digerati = Overpaid Technology people that you cannot understand
Disambiguate = For times that you don’t want to say “Clarify”
Dopeler Effect = The idea that stupid ideas sound better when they are shared in quick succession of each other
Drink the Kool –Aid = Accept company policy without question
Duck Shuffler = Someone who messes with you after you’ve just gotten your “ducks in a row”
Acluistic = The state of simply not having a clue
Adhocracy = when work just happens in a haphazard manner
Al Desco = At the desk
Ear Candy = Flattery
Ego Surfing = Surfing for compliments
Hush Money = A bribe
Keepage = The opposite of garbage
Meanderthal = Someone who gives long sluggish presentations
Phone Shui = Art of finding a spot in the office that has a good signal
WAG = Wild Assed Guess

And ..also came across a list of worst business jargon phrases per some survey in the Telegraph.co.uk

1. Thinking outside of the box.2. Touch base.3. At the end of the day.4. Going forward.5. All of it.6. Blue sky thinking.7. Out of the box.8. Credit crunch.9. Heads up.10. Singing from the same hymn sheet.11. Pro-active.12. Downsizing.13. Ducks in a row.14. Brainstorming.15. Thought shower.16. 360-degree thinking.17. Flag it up.18. Pushing the envelope.19. At this moment in time.20. In the loop.

I am guilty of using 9 of those - on a daily if not weekly basis... lol!
How do you measure up ?

Signs

Road Block
One day, in early 2002 when I was going through a personal and professional recession,
I sat down and made myself a cup of tea.
In all the homes I’ve had over the years, I’ve always had a favorite spot and a favorite cup for drinking tea in. In Gainesville, it was on the carpet near our couch looking into the backside of the apartment complex, laundry room and tall trees.
And I had this strange wish. I wished that I could go to a place where no memories would haunt me. Where I could walk a mile without meeting someone who reminded me of some nervous breakdown I’d had.
Where I could literally choose to just not remember the past because there was no history, no timeline, nothing. I got what I wanted.
As I drove into Atl, one cold morning in early 2003, I was scared and liberated all at once.
I had died a thousand deaths in my first two years in the US – and I was reborn somewhere on I 75 North, south of Peachtree City. As my tentative hands gripped the wheel, I knew that I was getting a rare once in a lifetime chance that few imagine but rarely get. I was going to make my life in a city where no one knew that I was arriving.
No past. Only the present.
The first night was scary. The first few months – were life changing.
But it was exactly what I needed. Silence. Lots of it. I had to take some tough decisions also.
One of them, I was particularly struggling with.

It involved making an obvious choice in my best interest. But making this choice went against my will, my vision for the kind of person I thought I was. And if I made that choice, who I was – would change forever. I could never go back.
And it involved a chance. I didn’t know whether making that choice would make me happy or not. Frankly, happy wasn’t really on the agenda. I just wanted peace of mind. I didn’t know that I’d get it with that choice. What I did know is that I had tried every other single thing in the world and nothing had worked. It was time. But I lacked the strength.

Now as it so happened – that while I was navigating this issue, I was also looking for something to do on weekends. I decided to volunteer with Hands on Atlanta and signed up for my first session – at a reading mentoring session at an elementary school downtown. It was one of those Saturday mornings in late spring where some strange cold front has dumped a ton of grey clouds over the cityscape. I had just learnt to drive and precariously so found myself lost. Downtown Atlanta is not the nicest place to get lost in. As I drove further and further into a mess, I found myself on a street I’d seen before – numerous times – On COPS! ..@##$%. I could not believe how scared I was. Garbage everwhere, smoke coming out of dumpster cans and shady people walking aimlessly around. I was stuck on a one way street with a blazing red traffic light.
I stood at the traffic light – and waited. Suddenly out of nowhere, something hit the windshield. It was a coke can – flattened and depressed just like me.
Then another one, followed by a shoe. And then stones. It was a group of guys, who looked like they were drugged on something standing at the light throwing stuff at my car.
I ran the light.
Turned around and drove the wrong way in a one way steet.
Found the nearest Gas station.
Pulled in. Parked. And cried for a full 10 minutes.
It was then that I realized what I had to do.
We human beings are funny. We make these rules in our mind that govern and define our lives. And then one day, they end up bringing us down. But we still don’t change what we should, how can we...? Its always been like this.. or that’s not the kind of person I am.
But what those coke cans and stones and that group of boys taught me that day, is that sometimes taking care of myself meant ignoring the signs, driving against common traffic and finding my own way.
Some Rules are only meant to be broken.
And some lines are only meant to be crossed.

That day I was lost. And although I found my way, I wont lost the lesson

Path Breaking

I'm reading Paulo Coelho's "Like a Flowing River" at the moment.
A book thats opened many doors inside my mind and moved me beyond imagination.
Somewhere between SEEPZ and Powai, I read another interesting story.

Quoting(Though not word by word)
There is a discussion about how movies distort what has actually happened in a particular incident. Someone tells Paulo that the movie "Ten Commandements" has resulted in a very important lesson being lost. Everyone remembers Charlton Heston - and how he raises the stick and the sea parts for the children of God to walk across.
However, in actuality, God tells Moses to speak to the children and tell them to walk across the sea. They start walking and it is then that Moses raises his stick and the sea parts.
Courage comes first. The path appears later.

I found myself oddly humbled and inspired after reading this story.
Its true isnt it. Action precedes any other reaction.
We have to act out of our own will to initiate change.
It is only after, that the rocky waters of the world part for us to pass.

Signs

Signs

Far before, M Night Shyamlan made a movie with this title, I believed in them.
Truly. Madly. Deeply.
I think the universe talks to us. It’s not just a silent observer to the joy, sorrow, angst, confusion, drama or compassion in our lives. We are watched. And there are messages sent to us. Gently, loudly and in numerous subtle and not so subtle ways.
Unfortunately, our minds are so cluttered with the voices of the world, that we often miss these signs that manifest themselves in the strangest of ways.
This language that is spoken to us through nature, people, objects and animals is as important to our sense of well being, balance and intuition as the simple act of breathing.
I’ve been lucky to catch some of these in my personal life and being aware of them has changed my life.

(Re) signed:
It was in the summer of 2002, that I discovered that rock bottom was actually – bottomless. I was in a free fall. Making choices that were not in my best interest, failing to be objective and making a habit out of not standing up for myself. I hadn’t looked into a mirror for days. And all this time, I actually believed that holding on was better than letting go and that I was doing the right thing. Unfortunately, what I did not realize at that time was that the ability to make a choice was a unique gift that came with an expiry date. Because if I did not make a choice for myself, I would simply have to bear what choices others made for me.
I had not stopped talking to God.
I had stopped listening to what he had to say back to me.
One day – as I sat in the passenger seat of a car, drowning in a wishing well confounded with my own demons, I reached out of habit to my neck to play with the small ganesh pendant I wore on a black thread in my neck. I had worn it since high school and my hands just met a bare neck.
I’d lost it. Just like I’d lost control of my life and my feelings, lost my faith in my ability to be happy without a few things that went my way, lost track of time and lost hope.
It was like a bucket of cold water in my face. It was God’s way of telling me that if I did not take responsibility for myself, then how could he?
And I knew at that precise moment in time. I could feel it in my bones, that even if it took a lifetime of searching, I’d find my way back.
I did not find the pendant, but I did find my faith.

(De) signed:
Brad Pitt spent 7 years in Tibet.
I spent one year in Atlanta.
Fall 2003.
It was late in the year. I had made my choice, I’d let go but the next 6 months had taken their toll on my spirit. It’s like a giant vacuum had sucked out the grief from my heart and left it empty. And it was coming back to its original shape, only far too slowly. It was one of those mornings; I just didn’t want to get out of bed. But I did. I always do.
I was walking out of my apartment one cold Sunday morning, taking our trash. It was the worst type of winter morning. The sun was cold, the wind-chill was out of control and there was crispness in the air that made it hard to keep a heart warm. I threw the trash and waited outside my apartment complex’s office for them to open so I could pay my rent. Jody was running late that day. I sat down on the steps my heart heavy.

It was a single solitary red maple leaf that broke off a tree at that exact moment and fluttered its way to my feet. I remember its journey in slow motion. And as I looked up, I saw a hundred leaves flying helter skelter in the wind. And the tree standing still. It was also a mere witness – like me to a heart breaking change in its way of life and being.

It was a moving moment for me. I made my peace with the skies in that single moment. I knew then inside my heart, that I was in the Fall of my battle. I’d shed my dreams and my plans and like the tree above me... I was Barren and empty. But not broken.
And come spring, there would be new leaves and new flowers and things would change for the better. It was simply a matter of time.
That year, the sun was in my heart, all winter long. And I waited and waited for spring. And by the time, the trees were green in March; I too had turned a corner and a new leaf.

(To be continued)

Dreams

-Written on April 11, 2009, Fort Aguada: Goa

Dreams

I wrote my dreams on the golden sand
and the sun kissed them all day
But then he set and in the cold moonlight
The sea washed them all away

I wrote my dreams on the silver surf
And the waves wore them on her sleeve
But the raging sea drove them apart
into pieces I couldnt even see

My tears ran aflow, My tears ran dry
And whenever I'd cry in pain
I'd find the taste of the sea in them
and I promised to not dream again

Years passed by and I grew silent
I had no answer for the mocking sea
Yet last night as I strolled on the beach
I just couldnt let my heart be

Out of the blue, I met someone
Buried in the sand, a smiling shell
Tell me your dreams he said to me
And I promise to never tell

And so I learnt to trust again
and bore my heart to him
No matter how rough the sea gets
My dreams are in his fist

This little shell, my hearts in his
And he’s been true to his word
My dreams are safe and if your heart is true
Then only to your ears will they be heard.

Test

Testing the online work processing document writer by Zoho

Hope this makes it easy to import to my blog - because thats

what I am really interested in !

 

I'm surprised this is better than Google docs

• It works faster
• The UI is neat and clean
• I even like it more than word
• And its Free !!!

 Now lets see if it posts to Blogger

Responsibility – What’s my policy ?

I read an article about a new line of advertising that Liberty Mutual will be making in the US. The ads that focus on the day to day happenings of a suburban American family will cover a broad range of issues – from recession, health, insurance, internet usage by kids, etc. They are aimed at providing insights to the consumers about making holistic changes to their lives.
The tag line of these commercials is “Responsibility – What’s your policy?”

It really made me sit up and think about my take on responsibility.
It’s a truly unique question. Most of the times, I only view my life in single or upto 2-3 dimensions. Health – Career- Personal Life at a fixed point in time… being the most common logical one.
But what about other things and choices and reactions that also have a wide reaching impact on my life …. Like a glass too many of wine, or over reacting to traffic on the way home, fighting with a rickshawalla, getting into an argument with my manager and thinking about it way past bedtime, not going to the gym because I have a lot of work, being too busy to call a friend on their birthday, forgetting to floss ..Or even brushing as if its just a painful thing to get over with. Going for months without picking a paintbrush. Having too much coffee. Letting someone take me for granted, letting someones vision of how my life should be disrupt my world view, not speaking up for myself, gossiping…keeping too much anger inside me, holding a grudge, not removing makeup before going to bed, not telling someone how much they mean to me. Being afraid, not taking enough chances… taking too many chances…

I don’t want to just make a living. I want to make a life…and for that I have to take personal charge. Of myself. For myself. By myself.
If I am not responsible for my actions towards myself. Then who will be?
If I am not responsible for my mental and physical well being. Then who is?

Either I direct and shape what I make out of life. Or I sit back let a set of random people and occurrences do it for me.
Responsibility – What’s my policy?

Drive me crazy

Last night as I navigated my way through a multitude of colorful cars on dusty grey streets, I was struck by a strange thought.
Why do people including me describe themselves as “Driven?”
For example in someone’s recommendation letter (could even be mine on a good day ) “Exhibit A is enthusiastic, street smart and driven by a passion to succeed”
Why is it a good thing to be “Driven?”
If I were looking for someone, anyone, I would want someone who “Drives”!!
No need for a passenger who is “Driven” by one of many things based on the time of the day and the need of the hour.
So next time, I’m going to say ….
“Look at me
I am not too fast – not too slow
I look in the rear view mirror even as I step on the accelerator
I try not to get into wrecks
And I also attempt that anyone who rides with me, even for a little bit has a journey to remember.
Sometimes, I get lost.
At times like that, I have to turn around and backtrack – but I reach my destination ..even though in a belated manner.
I wear my seat belt – but sometimes the bumps do get better of me.
I try to remember directions, but the most fun I have is when the road is unknown.
I am not driven. I drive. “
And if someone wants to come along for the drive - whether its passion, love, ambition, compassion, security...So be it.
The passenger keeps changing and may suggest a turn or a stop in the road...
but the driver - doesnt change.
Not in this car anyways.
I gotta "Drive" my own life atleast right. Its the least I can do for myself. ..