Twenty Minutes

Last night, I made my new year resolution for 2008.

I know that September is kinda late in the year to do this - but then again...clarity much like self doubt comes without warning on most days of the year and when clarity arrives - one does not look at the calender.

As I lay in bed on Sunday night after my previous post - much like a wounded lion licking war wounds I realised that there was a pattern to the last 20 minutes of my day. Every day. For as long as I could remember.

The last 20 minutes of the day as I lie in bed, silence filling my room except for the sounds inside my head, what I mostly think of are things that have not worked out, stuff that I wish I can do better, self criticsm, resolutions for doing things differently, about feeling alone and wanting to change so many so many things, big and small.

So my new year resolution for 2008 is to spend the last 20 minutes of the day thinking about times when I was madly crazily happy.

To focus on the intensely good experiences I had the good fortune of having, to think about all my close friends who have brought me so much joy over so many years.

20 minutes to celebrate times when Life went off the broken road only to end up in a field of yellow dasies dancing in the blue wind.

To think about all the simple joys that I will look forward to the next day - the smiling newspaper boy who battles all kinds of weather to show up at my doorstep - fifteen years old and sunny smiled, the cup of tea that brings me peace if only for the 5 minutes that it simmers while waiting for me, how excited I feel when I see the calorie ticker on the treadmill to the unexpected smiles that the day sends my way, the wonder of whats on the cafeteria menu at lunch and other everyday joy that I am so fortunate to recognize and experience.

20 minutes of celebration.

For in the end ..how I spend my minutes is how I spend my days.

And when it really counts, how I spend my days will be how I spend my life