This week has been the hardest week of my life in the past few years.
Its funny what tricks your mind can play when you have been averaging just a few hours of sleep each night.
This week I made a habit out of breathing in and breathing out. No great life changing goals. Just wanting to get through the heavy hour.
What started as a race to take on the world and get precisely what I had been holding out for became a test of survival and a lesson in breathing.
In just letting the moment pass. And as I found - it required immense self control.
Often I observed that I would get caught up in two things - anxiety over what the future holds and wistfulness over what happened in the past. And then - it would require such a magnanimous effort to tussle with the present that it was utterly overwhelming. And then I would get psyched with myself for not stressing enough about the present moment and of course utter chaos would follow.
Deadlines never made for generating inspiration. When Blake wrote about holding infinity in the palm of our hands and seeing eternity in an hour - I doubt he knew the delayed impact it was going to have on my life.
Help did find me from unexpected corners. Sometimes I'd ask for it and at other times it would just come and get me.
These are the weeks that make me the person that I am. When I can see the stripped down zero sum game version of my life - without any smokes or mirrors. The crazy thing is even late at night when I'd walk home few hours before the new day waged its new battles - I knew that I had to feel like this. That it could have gone no other way. I guess it boils down to two things. One is whether you look upon yourself at any give point as a creature or a creator of your circumstance. The second is what is it that makes you happy - internally. That if it was just you - what is it that would make you break into a dance. This week was no exception to the rule.
Yet faith finds me in the craziest of places. Last night - my roommates and I decided to go out into the city to just stretch our legs. The great thing about friends is that they make the moments count. Everything is that much more real and meaningful. They sense your heart bleeds and your heart songs and stem the flow of both. But my mind had a plan of its own. It wandered to another december- far away from here. A year or so ago and then I was in a different place. I was thinking about cold snow flurries, jingle bells, salvation army Santa clauses and Christmas trees. I was thinking about bleak holidays I'd spent walking around aimlessly in heavily decorated malls smiling at complete strangers that blended into happy year ends spent with friends around warm fireplaces and carols. And I missed Atlanta. I missed it in soul, in body and in spirit and for everything it represented in my life.
But then again - Hope they say is a good thing. And even though we deal with the finite possibilities and outcomes in our life..more often than not we are gifted with infinite hope.
Its funny what tricks your mind can play when you have been averaging just a few hours of sleep each night.
This week I made a habit out of breathing in and breathing out. No great life changing goals. Just wanting to get through the heavy hour.
What started as a race to take on the world and get precisely what I had been holding out for became a test of survival and a lesson in breathing.
In just letting the moment pass. And as I found - it required immense self control.
Often I observed that I would get caught up in two things - anxiety over what the future holds and wistfulness over what happened in the past. And then - it would require such a magnanimous effort to tussle with the present that it was utterly overwhelming. And then I would get psyched with myself for not stressing enough about the present moment and of course utter chaos would follow.
Deadlines never made for generating inspiration. When Blake wrote about holding infinity in the palm of our hands and seeing eternity in an hour - I doubt he knew the delayed impact it was going to have on my life.
Help did find me from unexpected corners. Sometimes I'd ask for it and at other times it would just come and get me.
These are the weeks that make me the person that I am. When I can see the stripped down zero sum game version of my life - without any smokes or mirrors. The crazy thing is even late at night when I'd walk home few hours before the new day waged its new battles - I knew that I had to feel like this. That it could have gone no other way. I guess it boils down to two things. One is whether you look upon yourself at any give point as a creature or a creator of your circumstance. The second is what is it that makes you happy - internally. That if it was just you - what is it that would make you break into a dance. This week was no exception to the rule.
Yet faith finds me in the craziest of places. Last night - my roommates and I decided to go out into the city to just stretch our legs. The great thing about friends is that they make the moments count. Everything is that much more real and meaningful. They sense your heart bleeds and your heart songs and stem the flow of both. But my mind had a plan of its own. It wandered to another december- far away from here. A year or so ago and then I was in a different place. I was thinking about cold snow flurries, jingle bells, salvation army Santa clauses and Christmas trees. I was thinking about bleak holidays I'd spent walking around aimlessly in heavily decorated malls smiling at complete strangers that blended into happy year ends spent with friends around warm fireplaces and carols. And I missed Atlanta. I missed it in soul, in body and in spirit and for everything it represented in my life.
But then again - Hope they say is a good thing. And even though we deal with the finite possibilities and outcomes in our life..more often than not we are gifted with infinite hope.
So while my mind was on its own journey, I stepped into the restaurant and out of nowhere found myself face to face with a life size reindeer a Huge Christmas tree and a ginger bread man. Mistletoe and Red and Green Tassles !
It was as if I'd walked into my own dream. It was bright and beautiful and colorful and the best Reindeer you would find in Hyderabad for sure !!! ..like a distant cousin of Rudolph himself!
And there were tears and there was the feeling of being utterly and hopelessly and foolishly blessed. And I knew what I had been trying so hard to find inside my heart - that all I had to do was go looking for happiness - and it would find me. Sometimes sooner. Sometimes Later. But our paths were meant to cross. Without exception.
Thank God I have enough
And there were tears and there was the feeling of being utterly and hopelessly and foolishly blessed. And I knew what I had been trying so hard to find inside my heart - that all I had to do was go looking for happiness - and it would find me. Sometimes sooner. Sometimes Later. But our paths were meant to cross. Without exception.
Thank God I have enough
1 comment:
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
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