Signs

Road Block
One day, in early 2002 when I was going through a personal and professional recession,
I sat down and made myself a cup of tea.
In all the homes I’ve had over the years, I’ve always had a favorite spot and a favorite cup for drinking tea in. In Gainesville, it was on the carpet near our couch looking into the backside of the apartment complex, laundry room and tall trees.
And I had this strange wish. I wished that I could go to a place where no memories would haunt me. Where I could walk a mile without meeting someone who reminded me of some nervous breakdown I’d had.
Where I could literally choose to just not remember the past because there was no history, no timeline, nothing. I got what I wanted.
As I drove into Atl, one cold morning in early 2003, I was scared and liberated all at once.
I had died a thousand deaths in my first two years in the US – and I was reborn somewhere on I 75 North, south of Peachtree City. As my tentative hands gripped the wheel, I knew that I was getting a rare once in a lifetime chance that few imagine but rarely get. I was going to make my life in a city where no one knew that I was arriving.
No past. Only the present.
The first night was scary. The first few months – were life changing.
But it was exactly what I needed. Silence. Lots of it. I had to take some tough decisions also.
One of them, I was particularly struggling with.

It involved making an obvious choice in my best interest. But making this choice went against my will, my vision for the kind of person I thought I was. And if I made that choice, who I was – would change forever. I could never go back.
And it involved a chance. I didn’t know whether making that choice would make me happy or not. Frankly, happy wasn’t really on the agenda. I just wanted peace of mind. I didn’t know that I’d get it with that choice. What I did know is that I had tried every other single thing in the world and nothing had worked. It was time. But I lacked the strength.

Now as it so happened – that while I was navigating this issue, I was also looking for something to do on weekends. I decided to volunteer with Hands on Atlanta and signed up for my first session – at a reading mentoring session at an elementary school downtown. It was one of those Saturday mornings in late spring where some strange cold front has dumped a ton of grey clouds over the cityscape. I had just learnt to drive and precariously so found myself lost. Downtown Atlanta is not the nicest place to get lost in. As I drove further and further into a mess, I found myself on a street I’d seen before – numerous times – On COPS! ..@##$%. I could not believe how scared I was. Garbage everwhere, smoke coming out of dumpster cans and shady people walking aimlessly around. I was stuck on a one way street with a blazing red traffic light.
I stood at the traffic light – and waited. Suddenly out of nowhere, something hit the windshield. It was a coke can – flattened and depressed just like me.
Then another one, followed by a shoe. And then stones. It was a group of guys, who looked like they were drugged on something standing at the light throwing stuff at my car.
I ran the light.
Turned around and drove the wrong way in a one way steet.
Found the nearest Gas station.
Pulled in. Parked. And cried for a full 10 minutes.
It was then that I realized what I had to do.
We human beings are funny. We make these rules in our mind that govern and define our lives. And then one day, they end up bringing us down. But we still don’t change what we should, how can we...? Its always been like this.. or that’s not the kind of person I am.
But what those coke cans and stones and that group of boys taught me that day, is that sometimes taking care of myself meant ignoring the signs, driving against common traffic and finding my own way.
Some Rules are only meant to be broken.
And some lines are only meant to be crossed.

That day I was lost. And although I found my way, I wont lost the lesson