Signs

Signs

Far before, M Night Shyamlan made a movie with this title, I believed in them.
Truly. Madly. Deeply.
I think the universe talks to us. It’s not just a silent observer to the joy, sorrow, angst, confusion, drama or compassion in our lives. We are watched. And there are messages sent to us. Gently, loudly and in numerous subtle and not so subtle ways.
Unfortunately, our minds are so cluttered with the voices of the world, that we often miss these signs that manifest themselves in the strangest of ways.
This language that is spoken to us through nature, people, objects and animals is as important to our sense of well being, balance and intuition as the simple act of breathing.
I’ve been lucky to catch some of these in my personal life and being aware of them has changed my life.

(Re) signed:
It was in the summer of 2002, that I discovered that rock bottom was actually – bottomless. I was in a free fall. Making choices that were not in my best interest, failing to be objective and making a habit out of not standing up for myself. I hadn’t looked into a mirror for days. And all this time, I actually believed that holding on was better than letting go and that I was doing the right thing. Unfortunately, what I did not realize at that time was that the ability to make a choice was a unique gift that came with an expiry date. Because if I did not make a choice for myself, I would simply have to bear what choices others made for me.
I had not stopped talking to God.
I had stopped listening to what he had to say back to me.
One day – as I sat in the passenger seat of a car, drowning in a wishing well confounded with my own demons, I reached out of habit to my neck to play with the small ganesh pendant I wore on a black thread in my neck. I had worn it since high school and my hands just met a bare neck.
I’d lost it. Just like I’d lost control of my life and my feelings, lost my faith in my ability to be happy without a few things that went my way, lost track of time and lost hope.
It was like a bucket of cold water in my face. It was God’s way of telling me that if I did not take responsibility for myself, then how could he?
And I knew at that precise moment in time. I could feel it in my bones, that even if it took a lifetime of searching, I’d find my way back.
I did not find the pendant, but I did find my faith.

(De) signed:
Brad Pitt spent 7 years in Tibet.
I spent one year in Atlanta.
Fall 2003.
It was late in the year. I had made my choice, I’d let go but the next 6 months had taken their toll on my spirit. It’s like a giant vacuum had sucked out the grief from my heart and left it empty. And it was coming back to its original shape, only far too slowly. It was one of those mornings; I just didn’t want to get out of bed. But I did. I always do.
I was walking out of my apartment one cold Sunday morning, taking our trash. It was the worst type of winter morning. The sun was cold, the wind-chill was out of control and there was crispness in the air that made it hard to keep a heart warm. I threw the trash and waited outside my apartment complex’s office for them to open so I could pay my rent. Jody was running late that day. I sat down on the steps my heart heavy.

It was a single solitary red maple leaf that broke off a tree at that exact moment and fluttered its way to my feet. I remember its journey in slow motion. And as I looked up, I saw a hundred leaves flying helter skelter in the wind. And the tree standing still. It was also a mere witness – like me to a heart breaking change in its way of life and being.

It was a moving moment for me. I made my peace with the skies in that single moment. I knew then inside my heart, that I was in the Fall of my battle. I’d shed my dreams and my plans and like the tree above me... I was Barren and empty. But not broken.
And come spring, there would be new leaves and new flowers and things would change for the better. It was simply a matter of time.
That year, the sun was in my heart, all winter long. And I waited and waited for spring. And by the time, the trees were green in March; I too had turned a corner and a new leaf.

(To be continued)