Hope

Hope is a funny thing.
Without it, I am nothing.
In this crazy life of mine, I may have some really bad experiences, I may make horrible choices and mistakes of devastating proportions.
At times like these, I may just wander. Without a sense of direction or belonging.
I may lose perspective, support systems, spirit to fight, ..when times are tough, I may even lose my laughter and my smile.
I may be on what I call Cruise Control mode....when days attack me ..and I defend the little ground I stand on. Blow after Blow. Reeling under the onslaught on my sense of wonder, optimism and happiness.
But days when I have hope. I have EVERYTHING.
Beacuse it means that I am still me. Version 20. But still me. That I still have something that makes me get up each morning and make promises to myself.
It is scary. To have Hope.
Especially after having your dreams explode in technicolor in front of your own eyes, so many times in so many different places,..that the next time it happens.. I dont feel any loss .. just nostalgia.
So to feel hopeful, is to feel all at once powerless against a strange often misguided force, to feel a loss of control...like I am writing someones name on pieces of my heart and hoping that they dont scatter. I also put numbers - so its easier to put it all back together after the freak show is over.
So to feel hopeful, is to feel afraid.
And sometimes, feeling afraid is a wonderful thing.
Because it reminds me how much infact I still have to lose...and that even at the end of weeks like this, when so much has shattered and so much has broken down, I still have a chance at being Human.
Amen.