Gutted

What is a gut feeling and what does it mean in my world ?
Today, I was travelling to work, in the boiling pot that my bus is...when at this congested cross section, a lady on a scooty pulled next to my window and we made eye contact.
Instinctively, we smiled at each other.
Thats a gut reaction. No logic. No rational. Straight from the heart.
I am not as fortunate always.
These days, my instinct is like a tall glass of long island iced tea.
Spiked.
Drunk.
I just dont trust its twisted walk.
How do I get it to be sober?
And how do I make sure it stays that way ?
I wish there was a way to drown out the voices of the world - and hear my own feeble whispers.
As if thinking and not enough feeling wasnt a problem already.
I even learnt a structured approach to that thought process ...
This week I wrestled with another one of those heart versus the mind matters.
Analysis Paralysis.
The heart won. But not easily no. After a WWF worthy tussle between my heart and a few other minds.
I think that if my life was a video game - everytime I came out of a situation like this where I have shamelessly had such a hard time standing up for myself and my gut instinct - the lifespan I have would reduce. In video game terms - I'd grow tired and weary. Until I did something to rejuvenate myself or in this case my battered psyche.
In the history of my 30 year old life - most decisions that I have made - have been illogical.
Not that there wasnt enough logic to support them or oppose them. And usually I am expert at arguing both ways. But ..the important decisions...they werent based on logic alone.
The tipping point was always from the gut. It just felt good. Like nothing ever would.
Like an honest smile.
At an honest moment.
When not smiling would not even cross my mind.
It would just happen.
and somehow, my gut would tell me to smile back.
God, I hope it does.