Out of Sight

Out of Sight

1998 - August
Mumbai in the rains was beautiful , reflective ,poignant and like a monet .
Dreamy , Watery and transparent like a youthful heart .
BEST buses never looked redder and cleaner than those few wet months , the streets glittered and everywhere - there was music of the raindrops ..Some quenching the thirst of weary minds .

I was 19 .
Shockingly young and a sprint in my step that only a 19 year old standing at the precipice of life's edge can have . I remember reading an article in Bombay Times - titled ..Children of a Lesser God ...Written by Cyrus Merchant in his Wednesday column " Heartfelt" that I would wait to read in Wordsworth terms much like the spring birds in Hebrides.
That wasn't the first time I had cried while reading something and was most definitely not meant to be the last .
I wanted to change the world after reading that article.

I made a list - and if you know me by now ..You know that everytime ..Everytime I have made a list .A life changing experience has followed this was a unique list . It was a list of 5 things that I wanted to change in the world .
Very Broad All Encompassing List ..That included world peace also .

The only tangible achievable item in the short term on this list - was a bullet point that said I would try and do some social service and change the world .
Social Service - what a loose term . Today - I will give you a 100 reasons why I don't like that term at all .
But 8 years ago - I was different , just 19 ..And believed that everything could be changed ..Including the minds of men and the hearts of love.
So I made a list.
Most 19 yr olds are studying , or working - but me ..I had to do something utterly kau ..Psychotic ..in a usual swaggering over achieving over bearing style that just gets the better of me everything

I took the 84 Limited from Andheri Station at 8.30 am . There was a light drizzle that made the city seem prettier and friendlier somehow -
My favorite route ..taking the 84 ,and sitting on the very front seat .
Center Court.
Starting by looking on the right at Pawan Hans , then your eyes turn left to pass by Sacred Heart school ..and then right again in Bandra , there was a beautiful house in red brick at a corner ..It wasn't there the last time I went to Bombay ..Now replaced by HDFC bak ..I wish I had a picture ..It was the most beautiful house in bombay .Then passing by the masjid at Mahim , St Micheals Church where they always have a thought for the day ..at this point 84 would turn onto Cadel Road ..Shivaji Park , Sagar Mandir where my grandparents lived and my brother was born ..Vanita Samaj ..VSNL ..the Mayors residence ..I can close my eyes and remember every single building , billboard tree ...I love the signal near catering college where a huge tree grows right in the middle of the road . This is the most idyllic bus route in all of Bombay city - I guarantee
That day it was prettier . I was going to change the world remember .

My journey took me less than 50 minutes away to the National Association for the Blind .Worli Seaface .
I had spoken to the staff incharge the day earlier after getting a reference from someone in my building . Between 10 and 11 am ..There was a break in the time table . And I was going to assist a teacher in that break talk to the students and play some games . I had a Computer Architecture Lecture back in college at . I never went for that lecture , That one hour changed everything . I don't know what happened to the remaining 4 items on my list ..But the one thing I had set out to do happened ..
I did manage to change the world in significant proportion..My world anyways .

My first reaction was shock . As human beings - we can all be so stuck up sometimes . Lets start at home where it hurts the most . As a cool 19 year old college kid ..In cargo pants and a tank top , you don't want to be touched . The first thing all the kids wanted to do was to "see" me ..And that meant they came upto me and shook my hands and felt my watch and wanted to touch my hair and size me up . And they were all 10-12 years old . I wanted to burst out crying . I was asked to describe how I looked and what I was wearing.I felt the tears in my eyes and the shocking sensation that no one could see them except the teacher who smiled at me like she had seen this happen before . So I put my act together . I could really do this I said to myself .

So I asked them what they had done over the weekend . And the bunch of them replied in unison " WE saw the cricket match ! " ...Okay .
Now I was really losing control . There was a detailed conversation about how india played and how sachin did something and the words were growing more distant by the second . No - I did not see it . And I wasn't even talking about the match .
At about 15 minutes to go - the teacher leaves and goes for a break .

Suddenly - the dams had burst . Do you have a boyfriend ? How does he look ?Do you have long hair ? Are you beautiful ? Do you work ? How much do you make ? Who's your favorite hero ? ...I was running out of breath .
I was 19 - I was supposed to have all this energy and wit ..And here I was at a complete loss of words . They asked me what I wanted to become when I grew up ..And I said I wanted to become an engineer .Which looking back ..Is sooo far from the truth it hurts .
One of the boys said he wanted to become a doctor and do a surgery . Suddenly there was silence in the boisterous room . An older boy looked at the first and said that that wasn't possible because he couldn't see and a doctor needed to see his patient . There was a huge argument - about telling the truth ,being practical and strong. It was all a blur. Now it was my turn . I had to be the one to pass the verdict .

In my entire life - If I haven't been able to answer a question . Its this one .
It still comes down to this in the end . You give me a question and I will give you an answer . I had no answer . No guts . No Glory .No Balls whatsoever . No Brains too apparently .
It was the longest 19 seconds of my 19 year old life -before the teacher came back and said it was time to go .
Before I left - the teacher prompted everyone and I was given some very warm hugs with a Thank you for helping us greeting .

It was the most ironic life changing ground breaking moment of my life .
There still hasn't been one bigger than this one .
This was my "Man on the Moon" moment.
Never before or after that day - have I felt as exposed . Those kids could see right at me , how cocky , insecure ,judgmental and in a lot of ways completely blind I was.I couldn't bring myself to go back - not until I learnt to see anyways.
I was the one needing help , I had been the one who hadn't been able to see and I was the one who needed to change - not the world ..The world or so it seemed was in darn good hands .

I think of that day all the time ..Especially on early Saturday mornings when its raining outside .
About how I was before and after and how I am now .
The contrast between the bus journey back and forth.
And the truth is - I think of those boys - they must be about 20 years old now ..Young ..At the edge of life ..Like I was back then ..And I wonder if any of them remember that day .
That Rainy Day ...When my world changed ..Forever.