Hyderabad Blues

I've always been a subscriber to the theory that says that the more things change - the more they really are the same.

So once again in my life , I find my self at the bottom of a ladder - trying to take life one rung at a time.

But I still go to the Cafe on Campus each weekend ..and order exactly the same thing.

When I sit down and eat my Veggie Club Sandwich - for the nth time - in n days ....bearing a comfort food tag..

I have these crazy blurry visions .. of doing the same thing week after week , year after year ....whether it was at Shettys in Bombay,Steamers in Gainesville, Doc Ches in Atlanta or Thai Wok in Delhi.

Patterns. The truth is that behind every changing surface lies an unchanging pattern.

The Seasons may change 4 times a year - but they still change only 4 times a year - not 8 ..not 10...Change they do and Change they must. But in the interim ..

When our lives and dreams are under the influence of torrential rains ..and the skies weep for us - its hard to look beyond the tears that cloud our vision and see that its bound to get better.

That in a few months - it will be sunny and that even too much of sun can be a bad thing.

The simple things are the hardest to remember nowadays.

That its bound to get worse before it gets any better.

That the only way out of a situation is forward.

That even one step a day - is a big deal.

Knowing that it will easier one year from now - doesn't make it any less difficult for now.

I think I can safely classify change in my life into two broad categories.

One is the kind of change that comes with no price tag , no choice and no warning. That's the kind of change that comes into your life as a direct result of someone Else's decision.It hits you like a ton of bricks and the only sane thing to do is to not resist - sway with the winds of change, cut your losses and run.

The other kind of change is the one that you bring about. They say that the hardest thing about an internal change is making up ones mind. But nonetheless - after your mind is made up and you've dealt with a logistics and build up bit- the actually act of change makes you feel like you've died a little on the inside. Knowing that you actually wanted to do this and worked so hard at making it happen - should make it a cakewalk shouldn't it ? ..

So if its soo difficult - why change. Change - to keep the pattern constant.

Decide what needs to be the constant underlying pattern in your life and hold on to it with every ounce of energy that you have - But in order to keep it constant - everything else has to change.

A long time ago - I read a book that said Change was like rebirth. That any change..even the one that we have eagerly waited for has its gut wrenching moments.

Because when we change what we leave behind is a life and we must die to one life before we can enter another.

So I keep walking - a little slower for a while...but I put one foot ahead of the next - look up at the skies and pray.

God I hope I choose well.