DNR

I heard a story on TV ..a long long time ago ..on a bright beautiful day when I was so taken in by the sunshine that I yearned to believe ..in anything..story not with standing.
There was on old couple in south Florida that was going on a cruise to the Bahamas.
They has met each other in college and over the years made a habit of saving pennies and nickles and dimes that they accrued from the cups of coffee,drinks and odd trips to trader Joe's and Walgreen's. One day they took all this loose money and bought cruise tickets with it.
I looovvee cruises.
(I've never been on a cruise - what I am saying is that if I ever went on one..I would loovve it.
Kinda like ..I've never met Mark Darcy too - but if I did .. *did anyone hear bells* )

So years ago I decided - that I would follow suit.
The problem is that I never stay in the same place.
I don't like change.
Not even when it comes from a vending machine.
It makes my purse and my heart heavy and I'm always falling short of it.

So many poetic and fitting things have been said about change. Sheryl Crow even made a touching song about it.About how it its good and phenomenal and does a world of good.

Contrary to popular belief - I dont think that all Change is good. Not all change is a step forward.
I know for a fact that one poor personal decision ..one minuscule moment of erroneous judgement, one moment of hesitation is similar to hitting the rewind button on the old whirring VCR of my life.. where things can go so askew ..that not even the little SOS button can help track ..

So just here ..just in this moment ..I am allowed to completely lose control and have a nervous breakdown.
To sit in the middle of my almost empty room on an over inflated air bed with half deflated spirits.
Just in this small moment - I am allowed to be miserable, cranky, teary, weak, confused and throw all kinds of rhetoric's out to the cosmos.

I guess whats hard for me to grasp sometimes is that pennies add up...slowly and steadily. One small cent at a time. They rattle and make noise until one day ..magically they get transformed ..into something brighter,crisper and bigger.

Tomorrow I take all my pennies to Coinstar.

So as the years pass... the earth continues to do what she has been doing for millions of years .. while the world as I know it ...slowly alters and all I can do ..in the interim ..is hope and pray that my change adds up to be worth a lot more than a few bucks.